Gillard Cancels Christmas
Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, has today announced that Christmas will be cancelled indefinitely as the government searches for more budget savings and a clean energy future.
In a move that some political commentators have dubbed ‘political suicide’, Prime Minister Gillard made the surprise announcement during a press conference this morning. The Prime Minister stating that Christmas has now become superfluous to the needs of the nation. “We’re moving forwards to a clean energy future and will also be returning the budget to surplus by 2013. Christmas is counter productive to both these goals” she said. “Christmas certainly falls into the category of a big polluter and is also damaging to the economy, I’m sure Australian’s will see the sense in this.”
Julia Gillard and Wayne Swan announce the cancellation of Christmas. Source: AFP
Treasurer Wayne Swan, who joined Gillard for the announcement, cited tough economic times as one of the key reasons. “The work force has a lot of time off during Christmas, this leads to reduced productivity and a slow down in the economy. Given the current global financial climate, this is a time for consolidation and strengthening.”
He added, “The effect is actually two fold, people take time off, yet get extra Christmas bonuses in their pay packets. If they don’t spend that money, it hits the economy twice.”
The Prime Minister commissioned $400,000 for a report on the wastefulness of the holiday. The report, obtained by The Squeeze, finding a number of financial and environmental inefficiencies with Christmas and making several recommendations, the most controversial of which was to cancel it altogether.
The report also highlighted potential pollution reduction as a result of the abolition of the festive season. Concluding that if Christmas didn’t exist and nobody had holiday’s, no one would be travelling, so pollution from cars, buses and planes would be significantly reduced. The Prime Minister saying her decision is backed by science and that it was just another example of her Government making the hard decisions to deliver prosperity for the nation, saying “I realise this may not be a popular decision, but all the science points to this as a smart move, we need to act now to save the planet”.
The Squeeze understands that none of the other developed Western countries are considering following Australia’s lead. Ms Gillard insists that once other countries see the results, they will to do the same. American President, Barack Obama was standing defiant on the issue though. A statement from the White House reading, “President Obama has no plans to cancel Christmas, nor his annual backyard game of Christmas hoops.”
Opposition leader Tony Abbott has responded angrily to the announcement. Mr Abbott labeling the move as extreme, ill-conceived and destructive to the moral fabric of our country. Mr Abbott, while on a fear inciting visit to a coal mine in outback South Australia, saying, “It makes no sense to cancel Christmas, it’s an Australian tradition, not to mention it would put that big jolly guy in the red suit out of work, we won’t support any proposal that costs jobs.”
Santa Claus may have delivered his last present to Australian kids
Mr Abbott declared a Liberal government would immediately re-instate Christmas and outlined his alternative plans, “The Liberal party will continue to deliver Christmas to the Australian people, we propose instead, to reduce the Easter long weekend from four days, to two days. People can still have chocolate eggs and hot cross buns, they’ll just have to eat them at work. We think this is an ideal solution that makes a mockery of the Government’s proposal.”
The Prime Minister says she makes no apology for the cancellation of what has become “somewhat of a December 25 tradition” in Australia, pointing out that Christmas is much more a luxury than a necessity. ”The report discovered that everyone has a birthday, so they can have a present then” she said. “Producing a second present for everyone at Christmas time is unnecessary, wasteful and creates a huge carbon footprint. Nobody’s wants carbon for Christmas do they?”
A journalist pointed out that everything, including organic matter such as humans and food contain carbon so it was inevitable that every holiday would contain some carbon. Prime Minister Gillard responding that the government are considering commissioning another report into the usefulness of humans.
It appears the Prime Minister faces yet another tough sell getting her zero Christmas plan accepted. In a poll conducted by The Squeeze immediately following the announcement, an overwhelming 99.9% were against cancelling Christmas. 1000 respondents asked the question of if they thought it was fair for the Government to cancel Christmas, one responded ‘Yes’, 130 responded ‘No’, 869 responded “WTF Julia!!!’.
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